Fifty Shades of Clara

Fifty Shades of Clara: A Collaborative

 Screenplay by the English Society

SCENE I
(By Sam)

INT. CLARA'S LIVING ROOM - MORNING

A dimly lit room, pleasantly tidy, is on view, as CLARA is about to leave the house but drops the glass statue while taking her files from the shelf. The sound alarms PATRICK, in the kitchen and he rushes in the room.

With rolled up sleeves and tucked out shirt, PATRICK doesn't look like someone to expect in a kitchen, a business meeting room is more his scene.

PATRICK

Was that my trophy?!

Dressed in her lab coat, high heels and dark pink hair, CLARA is someone no one could figure out about, unless she explained.

CLARA

I'm terribly sorry Pat, I just...

CLARA kneels down to pick it up, but remembers she's in a dire hurry.

CLARA

I'm sorry, it's really pathetic of me but you have

to excuse me. I have to leave now... Pat!

Patrick are you listening?

PATRICK is quiet and glaring at the broken reminiscent of his prized glass trophy he won last year kayaking.

PATRICK

You... are... not... moving an inch!

The cold and repressed voice stuns CLARA completely and she is no longer in the normal world.

 FADE TO:

Daydream sequence - CLARA, bleeding, imagines PATRICK yelling and crying at her.

PATRICK

Are you demented woman! I wonder what your life would be like as

 a burlesque queen? Would you prefer it? Of course you would.

Your whole bloodline is toxicated by the very impurities of such obscenitites! 

FADE IN:

CLARA
Pat... I...

CLARA's phone rings in a unique tone, a personalised one.

PATRICK

(Calmly) Pick it up...

CLARA (VO)

Why is Pat speaking in such a sweet way suddenly?

This has never happen before! Is he... 

PATRICK

Pick it up please! And... on loudspeaker.

CLARA follows, it was on. Another day in a grotesque misery has started and is not ending soon.

PHONE

Let's leave the theatrics for the day Patty. I need Clara soon and 

it'll be beter for all of us if you'd pipe down your prissy ego for

 the time being. After all, we wouldn't want any of our secrets 

out, would we? Patients, money... pharmaceuticals.

The stranger on the PHONE speaks in an extremely sarcastic and evil tone. Leaving both CLARA and PATRICK petrified. The person speaks on.

PHONE

Sorry I'm in a hurry, guv'nor. Cheeky-me-up-ya later?

Patrick, sweating profoundly.

PATRICK

You should go, I'll clean up...

...

Oh! And I might be late tonight.

Have a good day.

CLARA doesn't understand much of what's going on. Neither does she have enough time to think.

CLARA

See you soon, love.

Exit CLARA.

CUT TO:

SCENE II

(By Joe, Kimberley and Subha)

EXT. STREET - AFTERNOON

A rainy city street, dimly lit, flickering street lamps, the distant whine of sirens, a dog barks and footsteps echo across the street scene.

CLARA, woman in her 20s, university student on her way to an evening internship meeting at JP Morgan. She looks down nervously at her phone. She gets an unexpected phone call, picks up, but there is just silence initially.

CLARA

Hello, h-h-hello?

VOICE

You don't know me but I know you.

You see that phone box across the street?

CLARA

(Hesitant)

Yeah, what about it?

VOICE

You don't need to know. I just need you to follow

these instructions. They will make sense with time.

CLARA

OK... go on...

VOICE

I want you to hang up on me but dial in this

code before you do - 666. Then look directly

up to the 14th floor, east window, the window

is open. I want it closed but the task is not simple.

CLARA hangs up on VOICE.

She dials two digits of the code, then hesitates on the third and final...

Battery dies - she turns around, and footsteps disappear... she continues walking to work, not yet to know her fate.

CUT TO:

SCENE III

(By Georgia & Sarah)

INT. BINGO OFFICES - MORNING.

A serene, white floor of offices, holding most employees but a few are in the meeting room while the others type away systematically, everyone dressed smartly. CLARA runs in wearing last night's club attire with make up smeared around her face. CLARA stands at the door of the meeting room for a few seconds then knocks.

CLARA

Shit

HARRY, CLARA's boss, in his 30s, and everyone in the meeting room, fairly young, turn around simultaneously, staring CLARA through the glass windows. Then HARRY gets up and gallops to the door as furiously as he can due to his prosthetic metallic leg, then opens the door.

CLARA

Hey, I'm s...

HARRY looks CLARA up and down. He sighs.

HARRY

Don't want to hear it.

HARRY then proceeds to grab CLARA's bottom, pushing her to his office.

 

CLARA gasps and looks confused yet amused. She was still feelings the effects of last nights drinking, then grabs his bottom in return before they get into his office.

 

Meeting room extras simultaneously sigh and shake their heads in disapproval, then return to their work.

 

HARRY

You look appalling.

 

CLARA

Thank you.

 

HARRY

That wasn't a compliment

 

CLARA

I know yet I am grateful.

 

HARRY

OK...

 

 HARRY gives a weird look towards the camera, breaking the fourth wall.

HARRY's eyes return to CLARA.

HARRY

Are you feeling OK?

CLARA

I honestly have no idea. What am I doing with my life?

CLARA looks up at the camera with an exaggeratedly sad look, but winks.

HARRY

Who are you looking at?

CLARA

You don't want to know.

 

HARRY cleas his throat and shifts uncomfortably.

 

HARRY, in turn, looks at the camera, confused.

 

HARRY

 Clara, you need to sort yourself out, or this...

 

HARRY indicates to himself and CLARA.

 

HARRY

...won't work. My possessions must be kept in pristine condition.

 

CLARA

What are you talking about? I feel and look amazing.

 

HARRY

You smell like shit. How much did you drink? 

CLARA

Somewhere between 3 and 20 drinks...

HARRY

Unbelievable. Get on your knees.

CLARA groans, frustrated, then gets on her knees. HARRY somehow produces a sponge and polishing spray and indicates for her to polish his prosthetic leg.

CLARA

Alright, I'm not even gonna question why

the fuck I'm doing this, but please know I 

have never been more confused in all my life.

CLARA polishes his leg.

HARRY

Ahh, yes. That feels better. I can see myself now.

CUT TO:

SCENE IV

(By Shannon & George)

INT. BOARDROOM - AFTERNOON

Large white room. Bit table occupying the centre of the room. Fake plastic plants in the corner. Number of chairs around the table. Numerous people in business dress. CLARA's outfit is particularly creased and messy. She is wearing a neon pink shirt under her blaser.

CLARA

It's nice to see so many of you today. I'm glad

everyone has these people to support them. I

see some new faces today.

CLARA gestures to coworkers. They exchange looks of exasperation. TESSA, in her 20s, smartly dressed, looks particularly concerned.

CLARA

So lets go around the room

and introduce ourselves.

... (Pause) ...

OK, so we're a bit shy today so I'll start.

CLARA stands.

CLARA

I'm Clara... and I've been sober for...

CLARA looks at her wrist and blinks.

CLARA

I have lost my watch.

She sits and pulls a decanter out of her bag, takes a swig and places it on the table.

CLARA

OK, who's next?

CLARA passes out on the table.

COWORKER 1

Well, at least she's asleep...

COWORKER 2

Yeah it's better than the last time. Remember she...

COWORKER 3

Never mind her, let's get on with the meeting.

First thing's first, quarterly review is coming up...

TESSA

Wait, are we seriously ignoring this?

How has she not been fired yet?

COWORKER 2

Tessa, you're new, don't make waves.

COWORKER 1

Anyway Doris - quarterly review...

COWORKER 3

Yes, so quarterly review is coming up so

make sure you look busy on paper not just visually. Also...

TESSA

I know I'm new here but in the last place I

worked at, people would get fired if they

acted like she does. Get up dear...

TESSA gets up and goes over to CLARA and shakes her.

COWORKER 2

What the hell are you doing?

TESSA

It's fine, I know how to deal with people like her.

TESSA slaps  CLARA.

TESSA

Wake up!

CLARA wakes up and stands up drunkedly.

CLARA

Fuck off! I'm fine...

CLARA stumbles out of the room falling over chair as she leaves.

THE END

Collaborative Screenplay - David's Wild Trip

DAVID'S WILD TRIP

SCENE I

(By Evie & Hannah)

EXT. BUS STOP - EARLY MORNING

DAVID is frazzled looking, struggling to breath after running for the bus that leaves just before he gets to the stop. His tie is askew, and body doubles over as he tries to catch his breath. Rain drenches him as he waits by the un-sheltered bus stop for the next bus.

DAVID, mid 40s, businessman and father, fed up with his job after years of monotonous data analysing, curses under his breath.

DAVID (VO)

(Scuffing his shoes in a puddle)

Fuck, fuck, fucking bus! Dick head drivers never wait for me, he clearly saw me in the mirror. But no, he had to drive off. It's not like I was a mile away, I was at the end of the bloody thing. I'm too late, there's no point going in. Mike's gonna fire me for sure now. I could talk to him about Jules. But she's been ill for a week now and I've used this excuse too much. Getting the kids ready takes up too much of my morning, I haven't adjusted to it yet. One of them is always ready, the other's almost always still asleep or bugging me to eat chocolate.

The bus arrives. DAVID gets on and taps in his oyster card. He shuffles down the bus to the wheelchair area. His phone starts to ring.

DAVID

Hello?

MIKE

Where are you? You are late again.

DAVID holds the phone at arms length, sighs and returns it to his ear.

DAVID

Mike, look, I'm sorry. Jules has been so ill this week. Mate, look, um, I'm really struggling here. I'm not coping. I'm on my way now. I'll be in just after 10.

MIKE

(Angrily)

Just get your arse here now.

The phone clicks as MIKE hangs up.

CUT TO:

SCENE II

(By Heidi and Felicity)

EXT. ALIEN PARK - JOB FAIR - MORNING

DAVID stumbles onto the grass from the conveyor belt, holding a mystery packet of frozen veg and a mystery ointment. He looks around wildly.

BENEDICT

Oy, DAVE, where you been, arsehole?

DAVID

What? Benedict, I know it's no excuse,

but I woke up in a house that's not mind and-

BENEDICT

Ben

DAVID

What?

BENEDICT

Call me Ben, Dave.

DAVID

David.

BENEDICT

Grab some fliers, Dave. Today's when we lure in

 gullible virgins. And maybe some grad students, eh?

DAVID sighs.

BENEDICT

Why are you doing that? What's wrong with you.

DAVID

Uh, I don't know.

BENEDICT

You look like shit. Like, tomato shit.

DAVID is becoming red in the face and his head is swollen. The frozen veg or the ointment is making it worse, the other is making it better. Trouble is, he's got no idea which so continues applying both.

DAVID

Language, please, Benedict.

BENEDICT

Whatever you please, cheeky fucker. Fliers. Now. Weed... later.

BENEDICT whacks DAVID on the back. DAVID stumbles forward but looks back.

DAVID

I've told you it's wildly inappropriate

 to invite me to your parties!

(To the camera, breaks the fourth wall)

Even here you're still a prick.

Behind him, BENEDICT obscenely wiggles his hips mockingly at DAVID. DAVID sighs and continues stumbling to a table.

CUT TO:

DAVID's wearing a blue tooth mic headset, pressing the ice packet and ointment simultaneously on his swelling, dejected face.

DAVID

Riches. Precious metals. Is this what you're looking for in a job?

Some students stop.

DAVID

Then being the face of the number one 

cleaning agent for precious metals is for you!

They drop the fliers and leave, grumbling.

DAVID

Jewelry! Cutlery? Candelabras!

He gives up. He looks out at the park. The puddles are purple. The wealthy company tables have holograms. The benches are levitating. DAVID's definitely not in Kansas anymore.

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

SCENE III

INT. OFFICE - DAY

DAVID walks out from the office. He looks passive as he gets back to his desk, without showing his true anger.

DAVID (VO)

Did you just see that douche bag over there? A little

 bit less on the paycheck and it would've been worth

 smashing his brains on the side walk. Fuck arsehole.

DAVID sits down and the phone immediately rings. He takes a deep breath before smiling (sarcastically) as he picks it up.

DAVID

C&C tech. How can I help you?

CLIENT

Finally! I've been put on hold for more than

20 minutes! Do you think that's even acceptable?

DAVID

Okay, I'm sorry sir. I wasn't aware of your

issue but if you could let me know as.....

CLIENT

Oh you want to know what my issue is? I'll tell you. Incompe-

tence! You and this service is my issue - it's unacceptable!

DAVID

But what is your problem sir?

CLIENT

My TV service has been off for two months and I just got

 a letter to pay a service like I've been using it. Let

 me tell you, I won't pay for this! I will not!

DAVID

Can you provide me your client ID number

 please? So I can take a look at it?

CLIENT

DIDN'T YOU HERE ME?? I AM NOT....

 (continuing, but muffled)

DAVID (VO)

(Eyes closed)

Can this day get any worse? First that fat idiot sitting

on his arse without doing anything but yelling to every-

      one and now this.

He looks up at the clock.

DAVID (VO)

(sighs, looking out at window)

Just five more houses to go.

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

SCENE IV

(By Miki and Zainab)

INT. A TRAIN CARRIAGE - EARLY MORNING 

The carriage is empty except for three people. DAVID is sitting on one end of the carriage next to the window. He has just finished work and is playing Candy Crush on his phone. PASSENGER 1 is standing by the doors. She is wearing a green shalwar kameez and socks with sandals. PASSENGER 2 is on the other end of the carriage, tapping his foot to the beat of the music coming from his headphones 

PASSENGER 1 

(Singing quietly) 

You're insecure, 

Don't know what for, 

You're turning heads when you walk through the door 

Don't need make-up, 

To cover up 

Being the way that you are is enough 

DAVID looks up with a confused look before returning to his game. 

PASSENGER 1 moves closer to DAVID 

PASSENGER 1 

Hey, do you think I have a good voice? 

DAVID ignores her, too involved in his game 

PASSENGER 1 sits down next to DAVID 

PASSENGER 1 

Excuse me? I asked you something 

DAVID 

Sorry? 

PASSENGER 1 

I said, do you think I have a good voice? 

DAVID 

(Politely but curt) 

Uh, yes. 

PASSENGER 1 beams widely and begins singing again, louder this time 

PASSENGER 1 

You’d rather leave me broken 

Than whole with an empty heart 

We were better left unspoken 

Than the million miles apart 

You know that one? 

DAVID nods 

PASSENGER 1 

That was a good one. It came out after that traitor Zayn left the group. 

DAVID locks his phone in the middle of the game and slams it down on his lap. 

DAVID 

What did you say about Zayn? 

PASSENGER 1 

(Singing) 

You say there’s nothing left to fight for 

‘Cause this feels like too much 

Your heart is too afraid to - 

DAVID 

(Singing loudly) 

I'm seeing the pain, seeing the pleasure 

Nobody but you, 'body but me, 'body but us 

Bodies together 

PASSENGER 1 

What a shit song. 

DAVID 

Pillow talk is perfect. It's done better than any of One Direction's songs ever did. 

PASSENGER 1 stands up on the seat and points at DAVID  

PASSENGER 2 

(Screams) 

TRAITOR! 

PASSENGER 2, on the other end of the carriage, finally notices the other two. He takes off his headphones to listen to what's going on.  

DAVID 

(Singing) 

Pillow talk 

My enemy, my ally 

Prisoners 

Then we're free, it's a thriller 

PASSENGER 2 rolls his eyes and unplugs his headphones from his phone 

PASSENGER 2 

What do you mean? 

(Singing) 

Ohh ohh ohh 

What do you mean? 

Better make up your mind 

What do you mean? 

One Direction and Zayn are nothing. Justin is the only one with real talent. 

Suddenly, music begins blasting from the train speakers. They all look up in surprise.  

# Let it go, 

Let it go, 

Can't hold me back anymore 

Let it go, 

Let it go, 

Turn away and slam the door # 

DAVID, PASSENGER 1 and PASSENGER 2 all join in  

ALL 

(Singing) 

I don't care 

What they're going to say 

Let the storm rage on 

The cold never bothered me anyway 

FADE TO:

BLACK

SCENE V 

(By Asha and Brandon)

DAVID arrives home:

INT. DAVID'S HOME - NIGHT.

DAVID's wife - wearing a pink dressing gown, with matching fluffy slippers, her hair neatly done up in a bun - stares at the TV, with a nature special of DAVID ATTENBOROUGH talking about black widows. The front door is heard to open to the sound of wood chimes, and closes. David is heard, off-screen.

DAVID (off-screen)

Darling? I'm home. Where are you?

No reply. DAVID (out of breath) enters into the living room, wearing a black suit, after putting his bag and coat away. His shirt is disheveled, and tie loose. Hair is messy.

DAVID

Oh, sorry I'm late. It's been such a busy day.

Wouldn't believe what happened at work......

Silence. David tries to put on an awkward smile. Wife makes eye contact and continues to stare at the screen.

DAVID

The boss made me stay late, I had to finish some filing, go over some other projects and emails...apparently I haven't been keeping on top of them... but I'm home now.

DAVID gives out a sigh and looks exasperated. He wants sympathy. WIFE still says nothing, intently watching DAVID ATTENBOROUGH - unlike her David, with whom she still hasn't looked at yet. DAVID watches the screen for a moment - he seems disinterested. DAVID begins to walk slowly around the living room, attempting to  break the tension.

DAVID

So what's that you're watching?

Looks interesting. Spiders, eh?

DAVID nods his head, with hands in his pockets. The wife says nothing. David now gets to the living room table, and pours himself a scotch from their liquor cabinet. As he pours, his hand trembles slightly - noticing the calendar date on the table, circled in big red pen. He remembers: today was their anniversary. DAVID finishes his drink in one gulp. He turns to look at his wife, who has still got her back to him, watching the TV. He pours another drink . He sighs.

DAVID

Oh no, I'm so sorry. I forgot again.

He walks back over to his wife and turns to look at her, close to the TV, but not directly  in front of it. She is still silent.

DAVID

Baby, I'll make it up to you, I promise. I've been working

a lot lately, been paid over-time! We can afford 

a second honeymoon! Whatever you want, just name it.

ATTENBOROUGH is now audible on the TV and we can hear his narration:

ATTENBOROUGH

And here, we can see the female black widow devour her male counterpart, after they have mated and he is no longer required...

The WIFE finally turns to DAVID, giving him an icy stare. She stands, with one hand on her hip.

WIFE:

I'm going to bed. You can sleep on the sofa.

She briskly leaves, leaving DAVID dazed and confused. He takes another gulp of his whiskey, staring at the TV.

FADE TO:

BLACK

SCENE VII

(By Richard and Ryan)

INT. DAVID'S HOME - NIGHT

DAVID's WIFE has just gone to bed. He is on the sofa watching TV. There's a beer on the table beside him (special brew). He turns the TV on and starts falling asleep  while the adverts roll.

TV

Don't you want to get away? When's the

 last time you got the chance to escape?

DAVID can barely keep his eyes open as he starts nodding off.

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

A MAN, wearing a suit, clean-shaven, young, appears on the TV. DAVID's eyes widen as the MAN begins talking to him.

MAN

Is your life shitty? I mean, look at yourself.

DAVID takes a glance at his disheveled appearance and shrugs.

DAVID

Huh?

MAN

(More forcefully)

Yes, you David. Don't you know how much time you've

 wasted? You're no better than a drunk on the street!

 Look at me, I've got a better car than you.

Fancy car appears on screen as MAN shakes his keys.

MAN

A huge house!

Fancy house appears behind MAN.

MAN

And I've got a gorgeous wife.

MAN presses his keys and, to DAVID's disbelief, DAVID's WIFE exits the car dolled up extravagantly. DAVID sits up, stunned.

MAN

You see, David, there's something that 

separates me from you. I have ambition.

(Even more forceful) I build empires!

DAVID

What do you mean? I work, I pay taxes, I pay my bills-

MAN

(Interrupting)

-And that's the problem, David. You live your life

adhering to the rules. Never moving forward! You

won't even get off your fat arse now. Do it. Why

don't you do it? Why don't you switch me off?

(More aggressive)

Do it motherfucker! Switch me off! I bet you can't.

White noise emits from the TV. DAVID struggles to collect himself. He slowly raises himself from the sofa and stumbles forward. He knocks over a can of beer and it pours over the floor. The beer contacts exposed wires by the TV and creates sparks.

MAN

I can't believe you actually stood 

up. Will you actually do it?

MAN hurls abuse at DAVID and laughs as he draws closer. DAVID puts his finger on the on/off switch.

MAN

Ha ha ha! Wait-

DAVID presses button.

FADE TO:

BLACK

#EASTENDERS THEME TUNE DRUMS PLAY#

DAVID wakes up suddenly, spilling his beer. The Eastenders credits are playing on the TV

DAVID (VO)

What the  fuck just happened? Was that a dream?

FADE TO:

BLACK

THE END